The Sweat Lodge

Me before stepping into the sweat lodge

I have to say that I really, really wanted this to be a great experience for me. Since I was a child I was told by my mother that I was 1/16 Mohawk Indian. Being blonde haired, blue eyed, and mostly fat most of my life, at least I had some cool heritage to cling to. 

Clearly tracing down my father's ancestry and other branches from my mother's, I am clearly English-Scottish (as accurate as we can tell from tracing the family tree WAY-WAY-Back).  Despite my clearly European characteristics, there was a warrior within. I wanted to be something despite my lackluster physical attributes. I wanted to be bad-ass.

While this isn't a couch discussion and I am not going to talk about all my issues, it does however give you a glimpse as to why I did become such a high ranking martial artist and why I continue to pursue adventures and experiences. My pursuit of outperforming genetics, out shining my own God given natural talent, and despite all those things working against me; I can become something greater than myself. 

I helped add blankets and tarps over the sweat lodge

When I arrived, I was greeted with hugs and open arms. That is important I guess in something that is so intimate. I mean, you are about to drop drawers (still clothed) and sweat your butt off with other folks. I guess there is a bonding experience, and they wanted to make sure that we were well acquainted before we started.

I was given a rundown of what would happen. Basically for them it is a very spiritual process. While I don't share their belief system, I am open to experiences and interested in learning about what the ancient tribes used to do. After the run down, we watched as the elder leader made the beginning prayer and loaded a peace pipe. Afterwards, each of us were 'saged' down by wafting smoke of white sage over us. 

One by one, we were led into the sweat lodge. We each took our places and began to try to get as comfortable as you could amidst lack of light and smokey air. When they brought the stones in, the used a rake and deer antlers to position the rocks in their places. As a bad sign my rock split immediately as it was placed in front of me. As each rock was placed, the elder was placing tobacco and sage on them to fill the air with their aroma. Supposedly this magical blend not only can cause cancer but is also purifies the body, improves blood-flow, promotes circulation and connection with the spirit world, and makes me nauseous. 

Sadly things began to go wrong quickly. The elder leader's gaping towel and exposed testicle was not something I really wanted to see. Mind you I a

m a really big guy. I am in Super Heavy Weight class. I worked hard to gain this size by lifting heavy and eating clean, but I am very large nonetheless.  This sweat lodge was made for five maybe six people. Low and behold, at the last minute we had seven people in this very confining space.

I was told some safe words to use in case it got too much. Sounds like my kind of party right?  I was also told that if I got too hot that I could get close to 'Mother Earth' and she will cool me down. Do you remember when I said there were seven people in a really tiny space. Can you also imagine a figurative giant among average sized individuals trapped in a tiny space? Well as they door closed they begin to call the spirits in.

So, imagine what a well cooked turkey smells like. Add to that the smell of tobacco, smoke, body odor, ball and boob sweat, and you have the odoriferous experience I had to encounter. In the pitch black darkness, and the illumination of glowing red stones, and the noxious aroma which was deeply causing me to gag, I was looking for 'Mother Earth' as my one last respite to survive the ordeal. 

Mother Earth was literally being cock-blocked by my two neighbors squished up next to me. Unless I wanted a face full of dude meat and testicular tea, 'Mother Earth' was providing no help on this day. So sadly, I had to say the safe words and excuse myself. I was so close to vomiting that I am sure that my puke was not going to be a pleasant aroma to have to deal with while stuck within the sweat lodge. 

As I did the crawl of shame, I was just trying not to puke. I had to literally crawl the full half circle trying to avoid the rocks, placing hands in the wrong places, and not catching my ass of fire as I went. Finally out of the sweat lodge, I took a walk and vomited on Mother Earth. This was not one for the highlight reel.

Not being able to join the sweat lodge again, I grabbed my stuff and headed to my vehicle. As I did, it began to rain HARD. All that hard work to set up the sweat lodge, the hours of heating those stones, everything was wasted as the rain fell down.  Maybe the spirits were telling me to leave, maybe it was just bad luck. Whatever the case, I don't think that this experience is for me.